So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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