My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
