God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
