Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
then he tried to convert me to islam
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
