what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
two words: eviction party
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My dick has a subreddit
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
