My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
