Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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