Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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