would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
