Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
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found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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