I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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