Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
