Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
