I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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