Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
