so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
