i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
