Yo dont text me then not text me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can't turn off my feet"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
