We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
