HIV tests are more positive than that guy
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
