So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
