i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
