Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
