Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
