im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
