Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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