its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
