You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
this is an emotional support booty call
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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