dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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