you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
