I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
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Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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