Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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