I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Randomize