great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
