She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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