She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
