"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
