I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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