I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
