If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
