she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
