..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
