i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
