I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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