I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
