nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
