the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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