I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
