i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
