bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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