I wish my penis had an off switch
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
