Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
