you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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