Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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