I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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