So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
