I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
